I feel like all of the important questions in life, whether for God or just myself, remain largely unanswered.
I suppose that could be at least partially attributed to the fact that I'm not good at consistently pursuing God. I've felt largely ignored or forgotten or on my own throughout much of my life, which makes it worse when I feel like God is also ignoring me (even if it's just because I can't see Him working in my life at a given point in time). There are moments in my life where it’s absolutely clear that, yep, God is still real, and He's been working this whole time. In these moments, it’s clear to me that He's been answering my prayer at the deepest level- the most important, most impactful, most heart-changing level- and I just couldn't see it before. I'm so thankful for those moments! In those moments, I feel reconciled to God... and then those moments pass. I begin to feel abandoned or ignored once again. I begin to doubt those very experiences God has given me. Were they just my emotions playing tricks on me? Does God really love me? If God is real and if He loves me, why do I feel so ignored? Then, typically as I'm crying out to God for what seems like will be the millionth time regarding some brokenness or another, I suddenly experience another reconnection with God. Another moment where I'm so sure of his goodness (another moment that I'll doubt later on). I think the way God answers our prayers and questions can be illustrated as a painting: The more time God spends on the painting, the more beautiful it can be once it's ready to be revealed. As the answer is being "painted," I can't see the end result yet; I can't see the answer because it's still being formed. Sometimes all I can see is someone who is supposed to be a father to me sitting there, quietly working on His own thing while I'm standing here broken and in need of love. Indeed, God loves us, so He won't give us a painting that isn't even close to being done. He won't give us what isn't good just because we want it now. I also don’t think he will waste His breath telling us over and over again that He's still painting it. He's already told us that (in His word, the Bible). If we don't believe the promise He's made us anyway, then there's no point in repeating it over and over and over again while He's trying to work. When the painting is done- when I experience those moments with God- sometimes it is immediately apparent: this is God's answer. He's been working on it this whole time, and it's beautiful even on levels I know I could never understand. Sometimes though, I see the painting and have no idea what it is I'm looking at yet, even though it's ready for me. "I've asked you a question, but instead of answering me, all I see are a bunch of messy brush strokes on this canvas you've handed to me... what am I supposed to do with this? Why do I even bother talking to you anymore?" You see, I look right past the answer because I'm not looking for God's painting. I'm looking for the answer I think I want. God could be handing me a masterpiece, growing me in ways I won't yet realize, but I'm still waiting for Him to hand me the comic book I asked for. I'm still waiting for answers to questions such as "Who am I?" that look fun, exciting, colorful... answers that are quick to read, easy to understand, fun for a while, but ultimately rather pointless. The answers I'm looking for aren't the truly beautiful answers that God is still painting, so here I sit, wondering, "God, why are my questions still unanswered?" Anonymous Contributor
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As a culture, I’ve noticed we’re not exactly fond of pain. Pleasure? We’re all over it. Food, travel, music - we’d much rather focus on the things that bring our souls up, not down. Let’s face it: no one Instagrams their pain. No one’s out there taking pictures of their tear-stained pillowcase like: just cried myself to sleep! #epic. I don’t even think our preference for pleasure is a bad thing. In Isaiah, God refers to Jesus as “My chosen one in whom My soul delights” (Isaiah 42:1). God is, in his deepest nature, filled with delight. Especially about us. He’s the most joyful, indulgent guy around. We love pleasure because he does. So what about pain? If God loves us so deeply and delights in us, what do you do when your choices (or someone else’s) land you in a world of hurt? Earlier this year I got to ask God just that. My own poor decision-making skills, coupled with some unexpected changes in my family, meant I spent a good number of months in some pretty real pain. Get me out of this! I remember moaning. God cannot possibly be okay with this kind of pain in my life, can he?! This is NOT what I signed up for, Jesus. Clearly this has to stop. It didn’t. God did not swoop in and fix everything. But as it turns out, those months of pain might end up being some of the most important months of my life. Why? Well, here’s what I learned:
The journey hasn’t been a fun one. It hasn’t been glamorous. But it’s a powerful thing to look at pain and--instead of being afraid--know that you’ll come through it healthier than ever. I’m starting to notice I’m more free, less fearful and filled with more joy than I’ve ever been. Now that’s epic. “For whom the LORD loves He reproves, Even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.” (Prov 3:12) |
ABOUT...Writer/social worker/(seriously) amateur baker out of Minneapolis, MN. Archives
June 2017
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